so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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