in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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