her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
