I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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