Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize