I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
