I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
