Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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