What a fucking waste of an outfit
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
