It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
