areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
