Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
