Yo dont text me then not text me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
