Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
