What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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