Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
