I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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