dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
