I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
