Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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