You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My Sexting was not on an AP level
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
