I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
