i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
