He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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