when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
