Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
