I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
