I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
