She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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