new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
