this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
