my soul wont recognize me after tonight
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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