She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Congratulations! We have a period
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
