i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
