Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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