Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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