K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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