her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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