dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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