Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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