the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
