areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
