it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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