I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
