you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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