I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Small penises have feelings too.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
