It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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