I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
