I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
tell me about the fingering
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