Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
