my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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