did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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