I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
