So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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