Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
