i think my mom watched the whole time
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
