we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
