oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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