is your mom at the bar?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
