he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
